Chess: I am a mighty hunter!
Me: Is that my tie?
Chess: I break you neck, snake-thing! *shakes head with tie in mouth*
Me: My tie is not a toy.
Chess: You are dead, so I shall run off with you! *runs into the bedroom with tie*
Me: *follows*
Chess: *changes her mind half way through and runs back into the living room*
Me: Can I have my tie back?
Chess: Snake-thing is dead!
Me: Please?
Chess: Dead!
Me: *starts to pick up tie*
Chess: HOSHIT! Snake-thing is alive again and attacking Daddy! I shall save you! *pounce*
Me: That's my foot.
Chess: Don't worry, Daddy, I'll keep you safe. *bite*
Me: ...ow.
Chess: *grabs tie and tries to run off again*
Me: I'm not letting go.
Chess: Safe! *tug*
Me: *sigh* Well, it's a fairly cheap tie, anyway. *lets go*
Chess: It's dead again! *walks off*
Me: Right. *hangs up tie*

So, I got The Wife this for VD Day. (The heartwarming version.) We exchanged gifties on Friday. The box has been sitting on the table since.

Chess found it. Seeing her run around with the sperm or mono hanging out of her mouth is about the cutest thing I've seen in ages. I shall endeavor to catch her in a picture, but don't hold your breath because as soon as she sees me with the camera she drops it.

Guest Post By The Wife

Just fished from under one of the kitchen bookshelves:

1 dental cat treat
2 fur mice
1 goblin mini

I love cats.

Me: *wanders into kitchen for morning coke*
Chess: Meep!
Me: Huhwhat? *looks up*
Chess: *is on the far side of the top of the cabinets*
Me: Damn it, Chess.
Chess: What're you doing up this early? You're never up before noon!
Me: Get down!
Chess: Meep! Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep! *runs across the top of the cabinets* *jumps down onto the fridge* Meep!
Me: Keep moving.
Chess: Meep! *bounces down to the floor* Meep!
Me: Sociopath.

*clang!*

Me: WTF? *stands* *opens door to washing machine cubicle*
Chess: *stands on the washing machine* *attempts to look innocent*
Me: What the effervescent fuck?
Chess: Hi, daddy.
Me: Are you trying to get at the box of soft things?
Chess: No!
Me: God damn it, Chess. This is why you're horking!
Wife: *sleepily* Huh?
Me: Chess was standing on the washing machine.
Wife: Was she trying to get the dryer sheets?
Me: I think so.
Wife: 'Splains why I found her with half of one.
Chess: *meep!*
Me: *picks up Chess*
Chess: EVIL AND MEAN AND MEAN AND EVIL AND MEAN!
Me: Uh huh.
Chess: PUT ME DOWN!
Me: *tosses cat on bed*
Chess: HATE!
Wife: *snuggles cat*
Me: Go back to bed, babe. I'm going to find something to tie the doors closed.
Chess: *bitches*
Wife: Doesn't explain why 'Mitri's horking.
Me: Maybe it's a sympathetic response, I dunno. *thinks*
Chess: HATE YOU, YOU SUCK AND YOU ARE THE WORST FUCKING PARENTS EVER, GOD DAMN IT! NEVER IN THE WHOLE HISTORY OF CAT PARENTS WERE THERE PARENTS AS BAD AS YOU! I'M GOING TO CALL PETA AND THEY ARE GOING TO SUE YOU!
Me: *grabs tie off robe* This'll work in a pinch.
Wife: I'll grab a rubber band from work tomorrow.
Chess: DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU SUCK!
Me: *ties doors closed*
Chess: *follows me, bitching*
Me: I'm ignoring you.
Chess: I HATE YOU! HATE! *goes to go sleep on her chair*

Chess Goes To The Vet

Me: *sneak* *sneak* *sneak*
Chess: *sleeps*
Me: *sneak* *harness*
Chess: WTF?
Me: *evil laugh* *dashes to car*
Chess: Why am I outside? WHY AM I OUTSIDE?! *wails like a banshee*
Me: I am ignoring you.
Chess: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTSIIIIIIIIIIIDE!
Me: ...ow.
Chess: YOU ARE NOT ANSWERING MY QUESTION, YOU STUPID HUMAN! WHY! AM! I! OUT! SIDE!
Me: Uh, you're going on a trip?
Chess: Is that the car? WHY ARE WE IN THE CAR?!
Me: Because I'm taking you to the vet.
Chess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: You sound like Darth Vader. Stop it.
Chess: I hate you!
Me: Great.
Chess: I am scared. The vet smells funny. I am going to climb on your shoulders and be a scarf.
Me: You never scarf.
Chess: Do you hear me? I AM SCARED!
Me: Okay, then. We'll wait in a room for the vet.
Chess: I AM FUCKING TERRIFIED! TERRIFIED, I SAY!
Me: I'm really sorry?
Chess: Open your shirt.
Me: What?
Chess: Open your shirt! I want to climb inside.
Me: Chess, you can't burrow into me.
Chess: I could if you'd open your shirt.
Me: Chess, no.
Chess: YOU ARE THE WORST FATHER ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET, DO YOU HEAR ME?
Me: I understand you're scared, baby girl, but I'd think you'd've figgered out that that vet is not that scary.
Chess: Lies!
Me: I'm not opening my shirt.
Chess: Then you should be fatter so that I can burrow into you.
Me: What?
Vet: *is Scottish* Well, let's weigh her. Eight and a half pounds!
Me: Eep. She was seven last visit.
Vet: That's okay. Just be careful it doesn't creep.
Me: Right.
Vet: *checks teeth*
Me: Yeah, we don't brush. I know I should, but she turns into Linda Blair complete with pea soup. We feed them dental treats instead.
Vet: Well, it's better than nothing.
Me: You don't understand. She'd kill me.
Vet: *laugh* No, no, I get it. Now, let's give her her shots.
Chess: ...I hate you...
Vet: And check her temperature.
Chess: *very quietly* Mow!
Vet-tech: Oooooh, she called you a dirty word.
Vet: Under her breath!
Me: *petpetpet* Good girl.
Chess: I really, really hate you.
Vet: Okie-doke! She's good.
Me: Thank you! *grabs cat* *walks out to lobby*
Chess: ...hate...
Me: *walks over to register*
J. Random Dog: *exists*
Chess: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, HOLY SHIT! *hiss*
Me: Whoa! *goes to other register* That never happens.
Vet-tech: She doesn't hiss?
Me: No, not ever. Poor thing must be spooked out of her mind.
Chess: ...hate!
Me: *pays*
Chess: *scarfs* Have I mentioned recently that I hate you?
Me: Yeah, I know. I"m the horriblest person ever.
Chess: *lap cat*
Me: *drives* Okay, sweetheart, we're home now.
Chess: *dashes off* See if I ever talk to you again!

Quick post before bed

Me: *waits for pills to kick in so I can sleep*
Chess: I am a nocturnal animal. Play with me.
Me: Huhwhat?
Chess: Play with me.
Me: Chess, I am tired. I am cranky. I want to sleep so that I can not bite my doctor's head off in the morning.
Chess: You don't seem to understand. PLAY WITH ME.
Me: But I--
Chess: PLAY. WITH. ME!
Me: Fine, I'll throw a toy so you can do half of a chase game.
Chess: Don't wanna chase. Wanna hunt the red mouse.
Me: Look! Toy! *toss*
Chess: Not the red mouse. Play! With! Me!
Me: Stop yelling at me, you walking place mat!
Chess: RED MOUSE!
Me: But I--
Chess: RED! MOUSE!
Me: You're going to keep yelling at me, aren't you?
Chess: I will make the blender sound if you do not play with me!
Me: You weigh nineteen times less than I do. Why are you ordering me around? *grabs laser pointer*
Chess: RED MOUSE! I SHALL KILL YOU DEAD! *plays*
Me: *dutifully plays with the cat using the laser*
Chess: MIGHTY POUNCE! *pounce* MIGHTY CHASE! *chase* MIGHTY KILL!
Dimitri: Can I play?
Chess: No!
Dimitri: *bats at laser dot* *notices Chess* *stops*
Me: Let your brother play.
Chess: Mouse is mine. *chases in circle*
Me: *hand cramps mightily* I am putting down the mouse.
Chess: No! Don't! I haven't killed it dead yet!
Me: Chess, I am tired. I am cranky. And now my hand hurts. I am turning off the damned mouse.
Chess: You suck!
Me: Yeah, you're life's so hard. You sleep all day in a nice warm house, there's food all the time, clean water, toys, and a complete marshmallow who plays with you whenever you peep at me.
Chess: I'm gonna call the Speeay! They gonna speeay you!
Me: That's the SPCA and, sadly, they don't do work on humans. I am going to bed, furry child.
Chess: I'm mad at you! I'm not gonna sleep on you tonight!
Me: But break my heart, for I must hold my tongue.

Crash

*loud ass crash*

Me: WTF? *stands* *heads into the studio* *flicks on light*
Chess: *stands in that very sturdy spread-paw way that quadrupeds stand when on ice* *poofy tail*
Me: WTF?! Chess, are you okay?
Chess: *bottle brush tail*
Me: *pets the tail down to normal* What'd you do?
Chess: I jumped from the noisy box onto a table but it wasn't a table! IT COLLAPSED UNDER MY FEET! NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME!
Me: Huhwhat? *picks up Chess*
Chess: *bitches*
Me: Feel better?
Chess: PUT ME DOWN, DAMN IT!
Me: *puts down cat*
Chess: *walks away grumbling*
Me: Glad I could help! *looks around* Hey, she knocked that picture onto my altar. ...and my salt bowl. Fuck. There's fucking salt everywhere. Thank you, Chess!
Chess: You're welcome, daddy!

Olives

Chess: Hi, Daddy, whatcha doing?
Me: Watching Rome, eating olives.
Chess: Can I have some?
Me: You won't like 'em. They're plant.
Chess: You don't know that.
Me: Okay, here. *holds up olive*
Chess: *sniffs* *tentative lick* YUCK! You didn't tell me this was plant!
Me: Yeah, I did.
Chess: *lays down* Pet me.
Me: But I--
Chess: Pet! ME!
Me: Fine. Not like I'm doing anything else or anything.
Chess: Yay, pettins!
Me: I could hook you up to a generator. Hold on. *gets up and grabs soft thing*
Chess: Yay, soft thing! Best Daddy ever!
Me: *pet pet pet* *rub rub rub*
Chess: *purr purr purr* You're not going to let me eat the soft thing, are you?
Me: No.
Chess: 'Kay. I'm done, then. *walks off*
Me: Hey, this would be a cute write up. *type type type*
Chess: *looks at me* *jumps up onto coffee table behind the laptop*
Me: Um, Chess, I'm sitting right here.
Chess: OH CRAP. You weren't supposed to see me. *runs across the table and jumps down* *impertinent meep*

In Which I Spoil My Cat

Me: Hey, look at this book I got. It's full of knit toys!
Wife: Neat. Hey, is that a pattern for garlic?
Me: Yes?
Wife: You should totally make that for Dimitri*.
Me: ...do we have any loose catnip?
Wife: *evil laugh*
Me: *knit* *knit knit* *knit knit knit*
Wife: *hands over bag of catnip*
Me: *stuffs garlic* *funnels in catnip* *stuffs some more*
Dimitri: I smell yummy. What's going on?
Me: *dangles garlic in front of cat and then tosses it*
Dimitri: Catnipcatnipcatnipcatnipcatnip! *pounce* *kicky feet* *breaks its neck* CATNIP!
Chess: I don't get it.

*Dimitri is named after a vampiric priest.

Wife reminded me that Dimitri also has a habit of eating my cloves of pickled garlic. And I am never ever ever allowed to feed him those again because they create, and I quote, "Weapons of ass destruction."

The Vet (dun dun dunnnnnn!)

Me: Hey, Dimitri! *grabs* *leashes*
Dimitri: WTF? *purrs*
Me: To the vet!
Dimitri: Wait, did you say vet?
Me: Er, no? *walks to car*
Dimitri: I'm outside! OH SHIT! I am going to the vet! I shall shed until he lets me go! *sheds for great justice* *stops purring*
Me: *drives*
Dimitri: *yaowls* Help! I am being catnapped!
Me: You're not fooling anyone, you know.
Dimitri: You ARE taking me to the vet, you bastard!
Me: *grabs cat* *walks into vet*
Dimitri: *sobs*
Vet: And how's he doing?
Dimitri: He will leave me alone if I show that I am lovable. *purrs*
Vet: Well, he's thirteen pounds, which is okay for a cat of his size. His teeth are okay.
Me: Yeah, I know. I should be brushing them but I'm not. We're feeding them dental treats instead.
Vet: Well, they seem to be good for that.
Dimitri: *promises death in a thousand cuts* *purrs*
Vet: He's purring. And shaking.
Me: Yeah, he does that. The shaking means he's scared.
Vet: And the purring?
Me: Means it's a day that ends in 'y'.
Dimitri: I hate you all. *purrs*
Vet: *checks* *pokes* *prods*
Dimitri: *thinks about hissing* *looks at me* *glares* *purrs*
Vet: Well, he's in perfect health. *hands over rabies tag*
Me: Great! *grabs cat*
Vet-tech: You bring his cage in?
Me: Nah, I use the harness.
Vet-tech: They're really well trained.
Me: *blush* Thank you!
Dimitri: I may be purring but I will kill you in your sleep nonetheless. *purrs*
Me: *pays vet*
Dimitri: *hides behind plant in corner*
Me: I can see you, you know.
Dimitri: Lies!
Me: And hear you!
Dimitri: Nuh-uh!
Me: You're purring.
Dimitri: Am not! *purrs*
Me: *brings cat home*
Dimitri: How do I hate, thee, let me count the ways. *runs under bed* *purrs*
Me: You're welcome.

A Day in the Life

Me: *knit, knit, knit* *game, game, game* *research, research, research*
Chess: Daddy! Love I!
Me: Chess, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Chess: You're playing with the glowy-box! *climbs on top of keyboard*
Me: Chess, I'm--
Chess: SCRITCHES!
Me: Marshmallow, thy name is Roq. *scritches cat*
Chess: Yay! *makes the keyboard start making the fun repeaty noise* Daddy, why is the glowy-box going bark, bark, bark?
Me: Because you're on my keyboard, Chess.
Chess: You're not loving me.
Me: You realize I need to get this scarf done before I can make my gloves, right?
Chess: What does that have to do with you not loving me?
Me: Seriously?
Chess: I'm purring.
Me: Fine! *pets* You realize you are the reason your mother and I aren't having kittens of our body, right?
Chess: *purrs*
Me: I would spoil them stupid. Like I'm spoiling you.
Chess: I'm not spoiled.
Me: I have dropped everything to pet you.
Chess: What's your point? Oooh, under the collar. Yarn!
Me: No. You've lost yarn privileges.
Chess: But it taste nummy. *licks yarn*
Me: Stop that. If you eat more yarn your mother will kill me.
Chess: It's a cat toy.
Me: Not everything's a cat toy.
Chess: Lies!

The Soft Thing

Chess: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, I want skritches.
Me: Okay, fine. *skritch, skritch, SPARK* ...ow. *gets up and grabs dryer sheet*
Chess: *walks off*
Me: *grabs cat*
Chess: OMG, HE'S TOUCHING ME! HOLDING ME! RAPE! TAPE! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!
Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm putting you in the blender and you're going to tell PeTA. *sits*
Chess: *bitches*
Me: *starts to rub cat with dryer sheet*
Chess: OMG, WORST THING--Wait, is that the soft thing?
Me: *pets cat with sheet*
Chess: Soft thing! I missed you! *purrs*
Me: *rubs*
Chess: *purrs* I love you, soft thing. Let me lick you.
Me: Hell, no.
Chess: Soft thing taste like num!
Me: Soft thing taste like vet bills. No.
Chess: But I'm purring! I never purr! Let me chew on the soft thing.
Me: Okay, time to focus on the tail.
Chess: But, Daddy, I want to be soft on the inside. It's what inside that counts. TV says.
Me: TV also says that I should take a pill and then go sit in a tub next to your mother.
Chess: *licks soft thing and makes creepy love to it*
Me: Okay, that's it, then. *scrunches up dryer sheet into a ball and holds it out of reach from the cat*
Chess: But I'm purring!
Me: And I'm an evil horrible asshole who doesn't want to clean up your hork.
Chess: Fine! You suck! *walks away and begins bathing herself* Stupid Daddy not letting me chew on the soft thing.
Me: Dimitri, your turn!
Dimitri: Huh, what? *purrs*

Cute Thing that Happened

For those of you who are catless, there's this noise they make that basically means "Hello, prey! I am nonthreatening! In fact, I am so nonthreatening that you want to climb up onto my tongue! Nonthreatening!"

I call it the Come Into My Mouth (You'll Love It There) noise.

I hear Chess making the Come Into My Mouth noise and look over to see her sitting in one of the door frames, staring up, peeping. I walk over. There is a smallish bug. No idea what it was, it was like a centimeter long. Bug's way up at the top of the frame and Chess is jumping less than she used to.

The peeping is now growing annoyed.

I look down at Chess, up and the bug, shrug, and pick up the cat. Chess is never fond of this and immediately starts bitching. "You're picking me up! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO--Hey, I'm closer to the bug." *WHAP*

Dead bug. I put the (very self satisfied) cat down and she promptly eats it.

I am now the best daddy ever.