Chess: I am a mighty hunter!
Me: Is that my tie?
Chess: I break you neck, snake-thing! *shakes head with tie in mouth*
Me: My tie is not a toy.
Chess: You are dead, so I shall run off with you! *runs into the bedroom with tie*
Me: *follows*
Chess: *changes her mind half way through and runs back into the living room*
Me: Can I have my tie back?
Chess: Snake-thing is dead!
Me: Please?
Chess: Dead!
Me: *starts to pick up tie*
Chess: HOSHIT! Snake-thing is alive again and attacking Daddy! I shall save you! *pounce*
Me: That's my foot.
Chess: Don't worry, Daddy, I'll keep you safe. *bite*
Me: ...ow.
Chess: *grabs tie and tries to run off again*
Me: I'm not letting go.
Chess: Safe! *tug*
Me: *sigh* Well, it's a fairly cheap tie, anyway. *lets go*
Chess: It's dead again! *walks off*
Me: Right. *hangs up tie*

So, I got The Wife this for VD Day. (The heartwarming version.) We exchanged gifties on Friday. The box has been sitting on the table since.

Chess found it. Seeing her run around with the sperm or mono hanging out of her mouth is about the cutest thing I've seen in ages. I shall endeavor to catch her in a picture, but don't hold your breath because as soon as she sees me with the camera she drops it.

Guest Post By The Wife

Just fished from under one of the kitchen bookshelves:

1 dental cat treat
2 fur mice
1 goblin mini

I love cats.

Me: *wanders into kitchen for morning coke*
Chess: Meep!
Me: Huhwhat? *looks up*
Chess: *is on the far side of the top of the cabinets*
Me: Damn it, Chess.
Chess: What're you doing up this early? You're never up before noon!
Me: Get down!
Chess: Meep! Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep! *runs across the top of the cabinets* *jumps down onto the fridge* Meep!
Me: Keep moving.
Chess: Meep! *bounces down to the floor* Meep!
Me: Sociopath.

*clang!*

Me: WTF? *stands* *opens door to washing machine cubicle*
Chess: *stands on the washing machine* *attempts to look innocent*
Me: What the effervescent fuck?
Chess: Hi, daddy.
Me: Are you trying to get at the box of soft things?
Chess: No!
Me: God damn it, Chess. This is why you're horking!
Wife: *sleepily* Huh?
Me: Chess was standing on the washing machine.
Wife: Was she trying to get the dryer sheets?
Me: I think so.
Wife: 'Splains why I found her with half of one.
Chess: *meep!*
Me: *picks up Chess*
Chess: EVIL AND MEAN AND MEAN AND EVIL AND MEAN!
Me: Uh huh.
Chess: PUT ME DOWN!
Me: *tosses cat on bed*
Chess: HATE!
Wife: *snuggles cat*
Me: Go back to bed, babe. I'm going to find something to tie the doors closed.
Chess: *bitches*
Wife: Doesn't explain why 'Mitri's horking.
Me: Maybe it's a sympathetic response, I dunno. *thinks*
Chess: HATE YOU, YOU SUCK AND YOU ARE THE WORST FUCKING PARENTS EVER, GOD DAMN IT! NEVER IN THE WHOLE HISTORY OF CAT PARENTS WERE THERE PARENTS AS BAD AS YOU! I'M GOING TO CALL PETA AND THEY ARE GOING TO SUE YOU!
Me: *grabs tie off robe* This'll work in a pinch.
Wife: I'll grab a rubber band from work tomorrow.
Chess: DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU SUCK!
Me: *ties doors closed*
Chess: *follows me, bitching*
Me: I'm ignoring you.
Chess: I HATE YOU! HATE! *goes to go sleep on her chair*

Chess Goes To The Vet

Me: *sneak* *sneak* *sneak*
Chess: *sleeps*
Me: *sneak* *harness*
Chess: WTF?
Me: *evil laugh* *dashes to car*
Chess: Why am I outside? WHY AM I OUTSIDE?! *wails like a banshee*
Me: I am ignoring you.
Chess: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTSIIIIIIIIIIIDE!
Me: ...ow.
Chess: YOU ARE NOT ANSWERING MY QUESTION, YOU STUPID HUMAN! WHY! AM! I! OUT! SIDE!
Me: Uh, you're going on a trip?
Chess: Is that the car? WHY ARE WE IN THE CAR?!
Me: Because I'm taking you to the vet.
Chess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: You sound like Darth Vader. Stop it.
Chess: I hate you!
Me: Great.
Chess: I am scared. The vet smells funny. I am going to climb on your shoulders and be a scarf.
Me: You never scarf.
Chess: Do you hear me? I AM SCARED!
Me: Okay, then. We'll wait in a room for the vet.
Chess: I AM FUCKING TERRIFIED! TERRIFIED, I SAY!
Me: I'm really sorry?
Chess: Open your shirt.
Me: What?
Chess: Open your shirt! I want to climb inside.
Me: Chess, you can't burrow into me.
Chess: I could if you'd open your shirt.
Me: Chess, no.
Chess: YOU ARE THE WORST FATHER ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET, DO YOU HEAR ME?
Me: I understand you're scared, baby girl, but I'd think you'd've figgered out that that vet is not that scary.
Chess: Lies!
Me: I'm not opening my shirt.
Chess: Then you should be fatter so that I can burrow into you.
Me: What?
Vet: *is Scottish* Well, let's weigh her. Eight and a half pounds!
Me: Eep. She was seven last visit.
Vet: That's okay. Just be careful it doesn't creep.
Me: Right.
Vet: *checks teeth*
Me: Yeah, we don't brush. I know I should, but she turns into Linda Blair complete with pea soup. We feed them dental treats instead.
Vet: Well, it's better than nothing.
Me: You don't understand. She'd kill me.
Vet: *laugh* No, no, I get it. Now, let's give her her shots.
Chess: ...I hate you...
Vet: And check her temperature.
Chess: *very quietly* Mow!
Vet-tech: Oooooh, she called you a dirty word.
Vet: Under her breath!
Me: *petpetpet* Good girl.
Chess: I really, really hate you.
Vet: Okie-doke! She's good.
Me: Thank you! *grabs cat* *walks out to lobby*
Chess: ...hate...
Me: *walks over to register*
J. Random Dog: *exists*
Chess: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, HOLY SHIT! *hiss*
Me: Whoa! *goes to other register* That never happens.
Vet-tech: She doesn't hiss?
Me: No, not ever. Poor thing must be spooked out of her mind.
Chess: ...hate!
Me: *pays*
Chess: *scarfs* Have I mentioned recently that I hate you?
Me: Yeah, I know. I"m the horriblest person ever.
Chess: *lap cat*
Me: *drives* Okay, sweetheart, we're home now.
Chess: *dashes off* See if I ever talk to you again!

Quick post before bed

Me: *waits for pills to kick in so I can sleep*
Chess: I am a nocturnal animal. Play with me.
Me: Huhwhat?
Chess: Play with me.
Me: Chess, I am tired. I am cranky. I want to sleep so that I can not bite my doctor's head off in the morning.
Chess: You don't seem to understand. PLAY WITH ME.
Me: But I--
Chess: PLAY. WITH. ME!
Me: Fine, I'll throw a toy so you can do half of a chase game.
Chess: Don't wanna chase. Wanna hunt the red mouse.
Me: Look! Toy! *toss*
Chess: Not the red mouse. Play! With! Me!
Me: Stop yelling at me, you walking place mat!
Chess: RED MOUSE!
Me: But I--
Chess: RED! MOUSE!
Me: You're going to keep yelling at me, aren't you?
Chess: I will make the blender sound if you do not play with me!
Me: You weigh nineteen times less than I do. Why are you ordering me around? *grabs laser pointer*
Chess: RED MOUSE! I SHALL KILL YOU DEAD! *plays*
Me: *dutifully plays with the cat using the laser*
Chess: MIGHTY POUNCE! *pounce* MIGHTY CHASE! *chase* MIGHTY KILL!
Dimitri: Can I play?
Chess: No!
Dimitri: *bats at laser dot* *notices Chess* *stops*
Me: Let your brother play.
Chess: Mouse is mine. *chases in circle*
Me: *hand cramps mightily* I am putting down the mouse.
Chess: No! Don't! I haven't killed it dead yet!
Me: Chess, I am tired. I am cranky. And now my hand hurts. I am turning off the damned mouse.
Chess: You suck!
Me: Yeah, you're life's so hard. You sleep all day in a nice warm house, there's food all the time, clean water, toys, and a complete marshmallow who plays with you whenever you peep at me.
Chess: I'm gonna call the Speeay! They gonna speeay you!
Me: That's the SPCA and, sadly, they don't do work on humans. I am going to bed, furry child.
Chess: I'm mad at you! I'm not gonna sleep on you tonight!
Me: But break my heart, for I must hold my tongue.