Chess Goes To The Vet

Me: *sneak* *sneak* *sneak*
Chess: *sleeps*
Me: *sneak* *harness*
Chess: WTF?
Me: *evil laugh* *dashes to car*
Chess: Why am I outside? WHY AM I OUTSIDE?! *wails like a banshee*
Me: I am ignoring you.
Chess: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTSIIIIIIIIIIIDE!
Me: ...ow.
Chess: YOU ARE NOT ANSWERING MY QUESTION, YOU STUPID HUMAN! WHY! AM! I! OUT! SIDE!
Me: Uh, you're going on a trip?
Chess: Is that the car? WHY ARE WE IN THE CAR?!
Me: Because I'm taking you to the vet.
Chess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: You sound like Darth Vader. Stop it.
Chess: I hate you!
Me: Great.
Chess: I am scared. The vet smells funny. I am going to climb on your shoulders and be a scarf.
Me: You never scarf.
Chess: Do you hear me? I AM SCARED!
Me: Okay, then. We'll wait in a room for the vet.
Chess: I AM FUCKING TERRIFIED! TERRIFIED, I SAY!
Me: I'm really sorry?
Chess: Open your shirt.
Me: What?
Chess: Open your shirt! I want to climb inside.
Me: Chess, you can't burrow into me.
Chess: I could if you'd open your shirt.
Me: Chess, no.
Chess: YOU ARE THE WORST FATHER ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET, DO YOU HEAR ME?
Me: I understand you're scared, baby girl, but I'd think you'd've figgered out that that vet is not that scary.
Chess: Lies!
Me: I'm not opening my shirt.
Chess: Then you should be fatter so that I can burrow into you.
Me: What?
Vet: *is Scottish* Well, let's weigh her. Eight and a half pounds!
Me: Eep. She was seven last visit.
Vet: That's okay. Just be careful it doesn't creep.
Me: Right.
Vet: *checks teeth*
Me: Yeah, we don't brush. I know I should, but she turns into Linda Blair complete with pea soup. We feed them dental treats instead.
Vet: Well, it's better than nothing.
Me: You don't understand. She'd kill me.
Vet: *laugh* No, no, I get it. Now, let's give her her shots.
Chess: ...I hate you...
Vet: And check her temperature.
Chess: *very quietly* Mow!
Vet-tech: Oooooh, she called you a dirty word.
Vet: Under her breath!
Me: *petpetpet* Good girl.
Chess: I really, really hate you.
Vet: Okie-doke! She's good.
Me: Thank you! *grabs cat* *walks out to lobby*
Chess: ...hate...
Me: *walks over to register*
J. Random Dog: *exists*
Chess: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, HOLY SHIT! *hiss*
Me: Whoa! *goes to other register* That never happens.
Vet-tech: She doesn't hiss?
Me: No, not ever. Poor thing must be spooked out of her mind.
Chess: ...hate!
Me: *pays*
Chess: *scarfs* Have I mentioned recently that I hate you?
Me: Yeah, I know. I"m the horriblest person ever.
Chess: *lap cat*
Me: *drives* Okay, sweetheart, we're home now.
Chess: *dashes off* See if I ever talk to you again!