*clang!*

Me: WTF? *stands* *opens door to washing machine cubicle*
Chess: *stands on the washing machine* *attempts to look innocent*
Me: What the effervescent fuck?
Chess: Hi, daddy.
Me: Are you trying to get at the box of soft things?
Chess: No!
Me: God damn it, Chess. This is why you're horking!
Wife: *sleepily* Huh?
Me: Chess was standing on the washing machine.
Wife: Was she trying to get the dryer sheets?
Me: I think so.
Wife: 'Splains why I found her with half of one.
Chess: *meep!*
Me: *picks up Chess*
Chess: EVIL AND MEAN AND MEAN AND EVIL AND MEAN!
Me: Uh huh.
Chess: PUT ME DOWN!
Me: *tosses cat on bed*
Chess: HATE!
Wife: *snuggles cat*
Me: Go back to bed, babe. I'm going to find something to tie the doors closed.
Chess: *bitches*
Wife: Doesn't explain why 'Mitri's horking.
Me: Maybe it's a sympathetic response, I dunno. *thinks*
Chess: HATE YOU, YOU SUCK AND YOU ARE THE WORST FUCKING PARENTS EVER, GOD DAMN IT! NEVER IN THE WHOLE HISTORY OF CAT PARENTS WERE THERE PARENTS AS BAD AS YOU! I'M GOING TO CALL PETA AND THEY ARE GOING TO SUE YOU!
Me: *grabs tie off robe* This'll work in a pinch.
Wife: I'll grab a rubber band from work tomorrow.
Chess: DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU SUCK!
Me: *ties doors closed*
Chess: *follows me, bitching*
Me: I'm ignoring you.
Chess: I HATE YOU! HATE! *goes to go sleep on her chair*